When it comes to 𝗖𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗶𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲, ‘𝘚𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘞𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘞𝘩𝘺’ is often treated as a universal rule. And that’s where I think we get into trouble.

Not because ‘why’ doesn’t matter — it absolutely does — but because in many real-world situations, it’s simply not the most useful place to start.

Yesterday, I re-posted a story about a restaurant that used a text message to explain its dress code. 

Fine in principle, but the message arrived after people were already on their way. Too late to be helpful, whatever the intention.

In the comments, someone offered a perfectly sensible technical explanation for why the message was sent when it was; system constraints, automation logic, all very reasonable.

None of it changed how it felt to receive that message halfway to dinner.

And it got me thinking how 𝗼𝗳𝘁𝗲𝗻, 𝗶𝗻 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗶𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲, 𝘄𝗲 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗮𝘂𝗹𝘁 𝘁𝗼 '𝙬𝙝𝙮' 𝗮𝘀 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗽𝗼𝗶𝗻𝘁; 𝘄𝗵𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗿𝘂𝗹𝗲 𝗲𝘅𝗶𝘀𝘁𝘀, 𝘄𝗵𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗰𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁, 𝘄𝗵𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝘆𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗺 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘆 𝗶𝘁 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀.

Sometimes that explanation really is necessary.

Sometimes it’s genuinely helpful.

But sometimes it lands as defensiveness; like we’re more interested in being right than being useful.

Just because we need to understand the technicalities, doesn’t mean the person on the receiving end does; at least not in that moment.

Because when someone is annoyed, embarrassed, blocked, or under pressure, they’re rarely looking first for a root-cause analysis; they want to feel understood.

A simple '𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵’𝘴 𝘧𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨' can often do more for Compliance than the most rigorously accurate explanation of why.

Empathy doesn’t replace why.

But in practice, it often needs to come first.

Recognising the realities of what we’re asking people to do — whatever the underlying logic — makes it more likely we’ll design processes that are usable, human, and effective.

By all means explain the technical reasons behind something, if people want or need to hear them.

But that shouldn’t always be the default.

Often, the most powerful place to start isn’t why at all.

It’s how something makes people feel.